Think I’m on the brink of something large, maybe like the breaking of a dawn, maybe like a match being lit or the sinking of a ship, letting go gives a better grip…
I drove home from San Diego tonight (this morning?) listening to this David Crowder song, and I’ve had this line stuck in my head ever since. I think the most compelling part of the verse is the ‘sinking of the ship’. So often, songs like this that look to the future don’t take any sort of serious look at the difficulties of moving forward. Yes, the future is beautiful and worth fighting for. There is nothing in this world that’s better. But sometimes, letting go of the things that hold us back, of the things that aren’t the best for us, even of good things, so that we can chase after the very best, is actually a very humbling experience.
Sometimes it’s easy to walk away from something. Sometimes it’s easy to look at a certain direction that my future is taking and say thanks, but no thanks. But sometimes it feels like my heart is being ripped into shreds. Sometimes it hurts more than I can put words to. Sometimes the ship sinks, and there’s no going back. But it’s usually in those moments that I find myself pushing ahead. It’s usually in those moments that I start asking myself questions like – what have I got to lose? What’s the worst that can happen? What if I regret not doing this?
And I usually have my answer. We were never made to live small, scared lives. Sometimes living in a lifeboat because you took an enormous risk isn’t really so bad at all. With every risk, there is always a chance you might not survive. But sooooo much more often than not, you survive and thrive and move forward. I don’t want to hold onto anything so tightly that I miss out on the bigger plan for my life (that’s right… I really hope there’s one of those in there somewhere…)
Sometimes I have a lot to lose in a decision. Sometimes I have to make the career or friends choice. Sometimes I have to make the safe or scared decision. Sometimes people don’t understand. Sometimes I don’t understand why I didn’t just grow up and become a lawyer or teacher. But – God, I hope you’re there tonight, listening. I hope you’re going to be on this crazy adventure with me. Because I’ve basically risked it all, and I have no plan B. Help me to learn that sometimes I have to let go of the good in order to grab onto the great.
And after the last couple of months (ok, years), I’m so ridiculously grateful for my life. I never could have imagined it would turn out like this. I couldn’t have planned it like this in my wildest dreams…. And I feel like I’m on the brink of something even bigger…
Deep breath. Deep breath.
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